Not Going Gently Into That Good Night
by Derry
Summary: Post-SuperSymmetry: Wesley uncovers disturbing new information and deals with the consequences


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Not Going Gently Into That Good Night

by Derry

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The characters and situations featured in this story do not belong to me. They are the property of Joss Whedon, the Mutant Enemy crew and other such luminaries. However, I'm making no monetary profit, just having fun. Litigation really wouldn't be worth anyone's time or effort.

The story is set a few days after the episode Spin the Bottle (and more or less becomes AU from that point on) and it contains major spoilers for the episode SuperSymmetry.

Major thanks to Poodle for betaing this and for suggesting the title – which is (slightly misquoted) from a poem by Dylan Thomas. Nonetheless, all mistakes remain my own.

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It was hard to know how to even begin the letter. 

It was a letter that had to be written. It was quite possibly the last letter he would ever write. There was important information to impart. Innocent lives could very well hang in the balance. It was a _necessary_ letter.

He couldn't keep the information to himself. He had to leave this letter behind so that someone else knew the details. So that, if he failed to return, someone else would know what had happened. So that, if he failed again, those people who'd trusted him with finding their missing loved one might still stand a chance of getting her back – and perhaps all the other "disappeared" ones as well.

So, it _was_ necessary. Necessary to rescue those sent into interdimensional exile. Necessary to reunite grieving families. Necessary to do what was right – for others. And, if he was honest with himself, it was necessary because this time he wasn't willing to go gently into that good night without a little raging against the dying of the light.

Not that he was being melodramatic in any way.

No, but this time he wasn't willing to silently take all the risk, all the hurt and all the blame upon himself and go, possibly into eternal exile. He wasn't willing to effectively dissappear, trying to do the right thing all by himself without telling anyone. After all, the last time he had tried that, it had resulted in an appalling tragedy and everyone had castigated him for his secrecy. They had ignored his self-sacrifice. They had raged at him and tried to exact vengeance upon him for the hideous crime of daring to be mistaken despite his very best efforts.

Not that he was at all bitter about it.

No, it really _was_ necessary to tell someone what he knew before he attempted to travel to another dimension to put things right. And that someone really had to be Charles Gunn. It was only logical.

Gunn already knew that Wes had been the one who helped Fred to send Professor Seidel into that portal. Gunn would be able to find out from Angel or Lorne how to get back to Pylea. He would have the same standing with the rebels they had fought alongside to win the freedom of the Pylean humans and he could use his influence to enlist their help. And Gunn loved Fred enough to protect and support her when and if she learned that she had sent an innocent man to a "hell dimension".

It _did_ really have to be Charles Gunn that he wrote this letter to. But how to begin?

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Dear Gunn,

The classic form of address, almost dry and formal. It should have sufficed but somehow he found himself dissatisfied with it. As this might well be the last letter he ever wrote, he was bloody well going to write it to his own personal satisfaction.

He tried again.

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Gunn,

Rather confrontational. With Gunn's current opinion of Wesley, between recognising the handwriting and the almost aggressive tone of the address, the letter might well end up in the rubbish bin before Gunn read it and that would never do. This letter was too crucial.

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Dear Charles,

Somehow that worked. Gunn rather disliked being called "Charles" by anyone except Fred. So, this was both a "friendly" form of address whilst vaguely thumbing his nose at his erstwhile colleague. And it almost claimed a familiarity that Gunn no doubt thought Wesley was no longer entitled to. Oh yes, he rather liked it. 

It was irritating enough for his satisfaction but probably not sufficiently so to get the letter binned. Good enough.

Enough piddling about. He needed to get the damn thing written.

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I realise that you probably feel that I have no right to ask anything of you. Indeed, I realise that you may well tear this letter into pieces unopened, as soon as you recognise my handwriting. And yet I still feel compelled to make this request of you. I am asking you to help me to right an injustice and make amends for a terrible mistake, if not for my sake and the sake of the friendship we once had, then to save innocent lives and for the sake of the woman you love.

You were right when you accused me of helping Fred in her attempt to exact revenge upon Professor Seidel. She came to me wanting "payback" for a terrible wrong done to her. She was determined to have it and told me that you had refused to help her achieve it. In hindsight, you were right and I was wrong.

He could almost see Gunn's gloating smile as he read that passage. Nevermind, he wouldn't be gloating for very long.

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In my arrogance, I talked her out of more bloody forms of retribution and we agreed upon what, at the time seemed to both of us like poetic justice. I gave her the means to open a portal, not to Pylea because she felt (and I agreed) that the circumstances for humans in Pylea had so improved that to send him there was too easy and not "fitting justice". So I found another spell which would allow her to open a portal to a different dimension, a dimension that I really knew little about save that it was reputedly very unpleasant and there were no confirmed reports of anyone ever returning from it. On reflection now, it was a cold and cruel thing to plan as the fate of another human being. But at the time Fred was overwrought with the discovery that she had been deliberately and cruelly sent to her exile in Pylea. She was not thinking clearly and she wanted her vengeance at any cost.

I have no such excuse. I did it simply because I wanted to help Fred. I know you do not like to be reminded of it but I do have deep feelings for her. I was flattered that she came to me and asked for my help. I enjoyed being wanted even if it was for this rather twisted purpose and even though I knew that she only came to me because you and Angel had already refused to help her in this pursuit. I admit that I drank in the joy of being in her presence. But you should know that every time I tried to get close to her, she made it clear that she was only interested in my help for her cause and that you were the one that she loved.

So, I armed her with an incantation to open a portal and I drove her to Professor Seidel's laboratory. She would not let me go with her. She wanted it to be her task alone but this does not lessen my culpability. I gave her the means to do the deed and she later confirmed to me that she had carried it out.

It did not prey on my conscience at the time, as I thought it was indeed poetic justice for the crimes that Fred had assured me Seidel had committed. But so pleased was I to be of use to her and to have my help appreciated by her, that I did not make any effort at all to check if her accusation against the professor was justified. I know she did not knowingly lie to me. She truly believed what she told me but she clearly was under great emotional stress and had only performed a limited investigation before her mind seized upon a possible culprit. I have no such excuse and I should have investigated further before I handed her a "loaded gun". 

I have tried to mitigate my actions to myself with the fact that while Fred and I were researching, someone opened a portal in my apartment which nearly pulled both of us in. There was clearly imminent danger and hence I agreed with the need for quick action. And yet this does not absolve me from not even questioning whether or not Fred's vengeance was directed at the correct person.

For I have now discovered that it was almost certainly not Seidel who opened those portals after all. He may have had some connection with it but he was not the instigator.

Yesterday, I was approached by the parents of another post-graduate physics student, Daniella Della Bosca, who also worked in Seidel's laboratory. Their daughter had also gone missing and my initial fear was that Fred had been too late to remove the professor as a threat. Then the family told me that Miss Della Bosca had disappeared the day after Fred had sent Seidel through the portal. I checked to make sure they were certain, but they were adamant. 

He realised, in retrospect, that he had probably looked somewhat foolish asking the distraught parents if they were sure of the date they had last seen their daughter. Perhaps, he had been lucky that they were apparently desperate for his help, having already hired one other private detective who had then given the case up as "too bizarre".

But even if they had not engaged him officially, he knew he would have conducted the investigation anyway. He really could not do otherwise.

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There was simply no way that Professor Seidel could have opened a portal to cause Daniella Della Bosca's disappearance. But all the other features of the case pointed to a similar modus operandi. It seemed clear to me that the wrong man had been accused and punished and that the true culprit was still at large. I was clearly duty bound to take the case, not only for the sake of the missing girl, but also to right a wrong that I myself had helped perpetrate.

It was not terribly difficult to gain access to the laboratory. Their security system, despite the high tech nature of the research, was actually fairly rudimentary.

And, as an added advantage, he'd found that he still blended in rather easily among the academia. Physics may have never been his specialty but the scholastic arena still felt familiar to him. He knew the right type of phrases to use, the right attitude to project. A vague nostalgia had overtaken him despite himself and he'd found himself remembering a time when it seemed the answers to all his questions could be found in a book, if only he searched the library long and hard enough. 

Nothing would ever be that simple again. No doubt, it never really had been that simple at all, only seemed to be. But God, he now missed that sense of innocence and certainty, even if he now knew that it had been merely due to ignorance, pure and simple.

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My investigation led me to one, Laurie Drummond, the Teaching Assistant for the High Energy Physics Department. She had apparently worked closely with Seidel for over eight years, although until I confronted her, I didn't realise exactly how close their association had been. I already knew that she had access to his office and all of his research data. What I did not discover, until I spoke with her face to face, was that she had also been his lover for many years.

I still do not know exactly when they embarked upon the affair or whether it began before or after the student disappearances. Apparently, Ms Drummond took it upon herself to dabble in the mystical as well as so called "conventional" science. She was the one who discovered the book containing the incantation for opening a portal to the Pylean dimension or, at least, that is what she claimed when she spoke to me. Whether or not that was false self-aggrandisement on her part, I cannot be sure. She did say something about the professor discovering the theoretical physics behind the portals, or perhaps she just said something about him discussing it. 

I confess my memory of these events is not completely reliable, as I was probably still somewhat concussed at the time of our interview. Ms Drummond did not take kindly to my unauthorised inspection of Professor Seidel's office and laboratory, and her response to the situation was somewhat violent.

That was rather understating the situation. The blow that had rendered him a concussion was no doubt intended to kill. If he hadn't become aware of her approach at the last moment, if he hadn't managed to partially duck under the stroke, the impact would have caved in his skull. As it was, he barely managed to cling to consciousness and she, seeing that he was apparently helpless, had inexplicably taken it into her head to say a great deal more than she should have.

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It was quite extraordinary really. She gloated and revealed details of her crimes like a villain in a classic B-grade movie. She willingly revealed that it had been she who had sent the students through portals, including Fred and Daniella, because she had considered them a threat to herself and Seidel. She then went on to explain how the professor had discovered what she was up to but how he was so deeply in love with her that he couldn't risk her being caught and hence helped cover up her crimes.

In truth, I don't know how much was a true confession and how much was some kind of delusional fantasy. It is particularly difficult to differentiate between the two when you yourself are concussed. But she was clearly taking responsibility for the portal abduction of Daniella Della Bosca, if none other. Seidel could not have been responsible for that particular disappearance. How much complicity he had with it all is still in doubt. But it is possible that he was completely innocent or that he was guilty of no more than trying to protect the woman he loved. Somehow, with my own culpability in that area, I find it hard to condemn him too much for such misguided devotion.

Yes, I am still in love with Fred and I gave her a terrible weapon which she then used against a man who might well be innocent. My hands are possibly stained with his blood and I cannot let this matter rest without trying to make amends.

But I am getting a little ahead of myself. I need to tell you how the confrontation with Ms Drummond was resolved.

There is little doubt that Ms Drummond felt free to divulge her secrets because she believed that I would never be in a position to tell anyone. After she claimed responsibility for the students' disappearances, I became aware that she had begun speaking in that seemingly vowelless dialect of Pylea. I vaguely recognised the incantation. I am almost certain that it was the same one that opened the portal to Pylea.

Almost instinctively, I countered by reciting the same incantation that I had taught to Fred. There was a flash of bright light and I am still somewhat uncertain which of our incantations was successful. However, I do suspect that mine was the one that took effect. My memory is admittedly a bit hazy but the portal did not quite look like the ones we opened to and from Pylea. To use a somewhat fanciful description, it was more reminiscent of fire while the portal to Pylea was more reminiscent of lightning.

In any case, it was Ms Drummond and not myself that was taken through the portal, wherever it led to.

Which all brings me back to my current dilemma.

Perhaps I should summarise the salient facts. It is entirely possible that Professor Seidel was only minimally involved or perhaps even totally innocent of the portal abductions. I played a part in sending him to a dimension I know very little about. There are some vague references in the literature as to it having a hell-like nature, but there are no definite documented reports of anyone successfully returning from it. Although I don't know how they could be sure of its hell-like nature, if no one ever returned to report it as such. On the other hand, they may just have inferred (and possibly correctly so) that it was hazardous, even lethal, from the fact that no one did manage to return. 

However, whatever the nature of the dimension in question, the fact remains that I cannot leave Seidel there without at least attempting to bring him back. It is my responsibility because I provided the means to send him there. Furthermore, I have now possibly also sent Ms Drummond there (although she may have been transported to Pylea). I also believe it is necessary to attempt a search for her. While she has confessed to at least some of the portal abductions, I did not intend for her to be sent through the portal as a form of punishment. In truth, it was done reflexively and in self-defence. It is true that she may deserve it and worse, but I am not willing to play judge, jury and executioner in this case. I think my role in Professor Seidel's unjustified exile to a hell dimension has put a considerable dent in my sense of self-righteousness.

Furthermore, there is an even more compelling reason to find her. I need to question her about the disappearances of the other students. It is quite conceivable that she sent them to Pylea. It is indeed possible that she was only able to open a portal to one dimension. I am certain that Pylea was where she tried to send me and it is definitely where she originally sent Fred. So this is a reasonable theory. However, since I need to rescue Seidel, it would be foolish not to take the opportunity to also question Ms Drummond about the other students, including Daniella Della Bosca. I have an excellent bargaining chip to use with her, as it seems highly unlikely that she will be able to return to our dimension without my help.

Now, before you start accusing me of having some kind of guilt-inspired deathwish, let me assure you that I do not intend this to be a suicide mission in any way. I am confident that I can return to our own dimension by adapting the calculations Fred used in Pylea and applying the results to the incantation I used to open a portal to this other dimension. (I really ought to find a name for it, oughtn't I?) Given that virtually nothing is known about this dimension, I will be taking a suitable selection of weapons and extensive supplies and survival equipment (including oxygen tanks). Having said all this, I am also aware that what I intend to do remains extremely hazardous and, despite my intentions and preparations, there is of course a significant chance that I will not survive.

This is the reason I feel compelled to ask for your help. I am asking you to take over the case for the Della Bosca family, if I do not return. As I indicated above, there is a significant chance that their daughter was sent to Pylea. If I do not return, I am asking for you to organise a search for her there. I intended it to be my next move upon returning from where I'm going. You have access to people who can open a portal to Pylea and you, Charles Gunn, have good standing with the humans in Pylea that we helped free from their slavery and hence you may be able to enlist their help in searching for the missing students. You are well placed to do this and I ask you to undertake it for the sake of that girl and her family. You will be able to get all the details of the case from Diana using the phone number I gave you over the summer. I have left instructions with her to give you all the assistance that you need.

You will probably hate me for burdening you with this information. I will not feign repentance as I am doing this for a good reason. The Della Bosca family do not deserve to be left wondering what has become of their daughter and that girl does not deserve to be stranded in another dimension (even if Pylea has much improved since Fred's exile there).

I can hear you asking what you will tell Fred. I do not have an answer for you. I am sending this letter to you and not her because I know that she will probably blame herself for what happened to Seidel, if she learns of his possible innocence. I am also aware that she retains a deep fear of portal travel due to the trauma it caused her and hence I would be reluctant to ask her to undertake a rescue mission to Pylea, in any case. I will not presume to tell you how much or how little to tell her. I will leave that up to you as the man she trusts most and the man who loves her and wants only the best for her. I am trusting your judgement. You will probably hate me for imposing that responsibility upon you too.

He actually smiled as he wrote the last sentence.

Did he have even the slightest regret about imposing that responsibility upon Gunn? Not bloody likely!

Let Gunn find himself in a situation where decisions had to be made, but where there were no easy black and white alternatives. Let the self-righteous bastard know what it was like to know for certain that no matter what choices you made, someone you loved would end up being either hurt or betrayed or possibly both.

Let Gunn see just how much love and loyalty could tear a man asunder. Let Gunn dwell in the cold grey purgatory of the aftermath. Let Gunn feel how deep and crippling those wounds could be.

Not that he harboured any lingering anger or resentment. No, perish the thought!

He had no more to say really. 

There was only the task ahead. As people were fond of saying, actions spoke louder than words.

So he merely added a signature.

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Your determined and unrepentant friend,

Wesley

That was a fair description and the use of the word "friend" might piss Gunn off a bit more which was all to the good.

He sealed the envelope, stamped and addressed it. It took less than ten minutes to walk down the street and post it.

Nearly everything was already prepared. The supplies and equipment were checked and ready to go. Diana and the others had been briefed and knew what to expect. The letter to Gunn had been sent. There was only one more thing required.

He opened his laptop computer and emailed Lilah. A simple message, nothing flowery. 

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Lilah, 

Going away for a few days. Hope to be back soon. 

Wes.

Perfect. Just tell her the bare essentials and then maybe he'd see just how good Wolfram & Hart's research department really was. Because there was no way in hell that she'd be satisfied with the bare essentials. No, not Lilah Morgan. How would she go about getting the information she sought? Would she try and discover what Gunn and the others knew? Or did corporate evil have other sources on information at its disposal? How far would she get in her search? How long would she search before she gave him up as too much trouble? Would she bargain? Would she threaten?

It was interesting to contemplate but he did not have any more time to waste on idle speculation. There was a job to do, a duty to perform.

With a distinct air of finality, he stood and closed his computer. He locked up his flat and arranged his equipment and supplies for the journey. 

Then Wesley Wyndam-Pryce followed the last piece of advice that Charles Gunn had ever given him.

He went to hell.


End file.
